Depression, a lonely vile road!!

21st August 2011

Depression is an illness that makes the sufferer stand-alone. We are never really sure why we get so depressed that it becomes clinically severe, but I do know it is a lonely vile road to travel. I have recently just got over a period of depression that was caused by many factors in my life.

It started with my desire to better my self so I searched the internet for an agent to help catapult me into the media and become known as a public speaker, and  also get my message about child abuse issues into the public sector. I am not a wealthy person and two extra little people to look after took me to the edge of financial ruin. But I managed to keep all our heads above water and then got a loan to secure our future further and go down the route of public speaker etc.

 

It didn’t turn out the way I expected and others involved were able to go back to their lives unaffected by the hurdles before me.  I, on the other hand was £5,000.00 worse off and not a tip of a step any further forwards.

I was also trying to cope with my youngest son in Afghanistan who was working in a country that is torn apart by its own subjects.

My mother in-law – 90 years old today—Happy birthday Yvonne, is coming home Monday after several months in rehabilitation. We had to fight every step of the way for her survival and agism a factor used to NOT treat her.

My two little girls Sophia and Skye have just got over chickenpox and coupled with other health issues was a daunting road for each of them.

I have the police once again looking into an historical accusation of abuse. I also had major surgery in May this year and started a new business venture July 2011.

 

So, all in all, my entire mind and body was unable to absorb any more stress and worry and I spiraled into  depressive mode for a while. The truth was I didn’t recognize it as depression but was tearful and quiet I didn’t want to speak to people and just needed to curl up in a corner and be still and quiet. I was angry and hurt inside and many negative things raced through my mind – from my past to present day. I felt anger- frustration – and envy.

I was pushing my self to get out of bed in the mornings and facing my self-knowing the financial mess I had put my whole family under through trusting others was killing me. Guilt tore at me!

I have now learnt never to trust any one and although we meet many people on life’s journey the road we travel is ultimately down to us.  I think the last thing that pushed me was having problems with my newly acquired web site you are visiting right now,had problems and I asked for help. Only to be told that the people who I believed were going to help me were the ones who were suppose to be looking after the upkeep of site. I was thrown into a panic but some how managed to get the site back up and running. But it was the straw that broke this camels back.

Now I am getting stronger and realize I had tried to do too much after major surgery – and a little me time was needed. Do I blame any one individual for my decline- No. I tried to do too much and like any branch or twig from the strongest tree. If the weight that rests upon it becomes to heavy, they will either snap- or bough- Luckily I was able to find my way home

 

But my fight for justice still continues and my desire to speak out at public functions attainable by my own perseverance. The 3rd book in the “Whispers Trilogy” will be written and finished by 2012.

 

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