My Pre Easter Weekend Blog

21st April 2011

I’m feeling incredibly sad at the moment as I have said goodbye to my son today as he is being deployed to Afghanistan, his third deployment and 2nd service in Afghanistan. I remember all too well when he returned last time and how this affected all the family psychologically. I was so afraid I wouldn’t see him again but he’s amazing and showed no emotion to concern us with about his departure. He joked and smiled, and then he drove out of sight..

I had to keep my composure because my small granddaughters living with us needed me to be strong.

I know I am facing a very tough few months ahead with my youngest son in a dangerous foreign land, so far away and unreachable. It’s hideous. I cannot pick up the phone and speak to him. When the night envelopes my nightmares and my fear seeps through my very being, my arms feel bereft and my heart heavy.

I know he is doing work that matters to him. This is some consolation. But it doesn’t ease anything.

Just to be able to speak to him would make all the difference to how we cope with his absence and I know when he is able to call us, I will pop into jolly/happy mode to make the call feel superb for him, yet my heart will be so heavy. It is with immense gratitude that he was deployed now and not a few weeks ago when his daughter was born! Baby Connie has her father’s eyes for sure and when we all look at her, we see him. Bless you Connie.

It’s been a full on year so far. Nothing new there then. My life has been a packed rollercoaster with massive emotional elements. This, and being a mother of a son fighting in war-torn Afghanistan is another chapter. So much has happened that I find it a wonder I still have the ability to smile actually. I have taken a long time to recover from a bout of pneumonia and have had an operation I need to have cancelled twice because of it. Perhaps the rescheduled date in May will be the one for this next operation.

I love writing and have just completed an article for an online magazine and am pleased with that and I hope to write more for press, websites etc.

So, today, Thursday 21st April, I feel like my heart may shatter into tiny shards of nothingness. The sadness I feel re my son, in particular, as he makes his way to Afghanistan has veiled me like a curtain. I’d go and sit under the dining table and curl into a tight ball if I could. It would send though the wrong signal to my family.

I’d like to shield myself from everyday life and not speak for a while. This world is insane at times, isn’t it? There seems to be a fog around me and I feel I may explode if I think any more to try and understand what I can’t understand.

Also, I am forced once more to obtain my medical records and to seek legal council against an organization I put my trust in. I cannot add to this here in this blog or in any others right now until I am ready. This blog, my site, will become the place where I can reveal the latest twists in my tale of abuse, neglect and shameful let down.

In my darker times I do wonder why this all happens to me. I have constantly had to fight for justice. I am weary but I am strong at the same time. I’ll bounce back.

Today isn’t a good day .. we all have low ebb days. I’ll be fine and we have the holiday weekend to enjoy the garden and the sunshine.

I’ve made some adjustments to my site this week in the main pages. Every word on this site and in my blog is mine. I have a team of people who help me. My site and any impression it gives or eludes too, is down to me.

Thank you for reading.

Pray for peace and protect those you love.

Be good to yourself too.

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